THE FRAMEWORK
What you can expect
Better At Us is built around six areas that together help you understand yourself, your partner and the relationship you create between you.
Each area focuses on a different part of a healthy relationship, from understanding your own emotional reactions and communicating more effectively, to recognising each other’s needs, building greater intimacy and working through difficulties together.
The six areas are closely connected, but there is no fixed order in which you need to work through them. You can explore the parts that feel most relevant to your relationship now and return to others as and when you need them.
The aim is not to learn a set of rules for how a relationship should work. It is to develop greater understanding, practical skills and healthier ways of responding to each other that gradually become part of how you relate every day.
THE DETAIL
Six areas of focus.
1.
Understand Yourself
Introduction
How we respond to our partner is not only about what is happening in the moment. We all bring our own history, experiences, sensitivities and ways of coping into our relationships.
Sometimes a relatively small comment, look or disagreement can trigger a much bigger reaction. We may become defensive, critical, withdrawn, anxious or eager to keep the peace before we have understood what is happening inside us.
In this part of Better At Us, you’ll begin to recognise the patterns behind your reactions, understand what can trigger them and explore what may be happening underneath.
The aim is not to label yourself or dwell on the past. It is to understand yourself better, so you can pause before reacting and have more choice in how you respond to your partner and yourself.
OUTCOMES
- Develop greater self-awareness by recognising your emotional reactions, triggers and recurring patterns.
- Understand how earlier experiences, learned behaviours and internal pressures can influence how you respond in the present.
- Recognise when you are reacting automatically and develop more balanced and helpful ways of responding.
- Understand and manage your emotions more effectively, creating space between what you feel and what you choose to do.
- Take greater responsibility for your part in the relationship, while developing greater understanding and compassion for both yourself and your partner.
2.
Good Communication
Introduction
Communication problems are rarely just about finding the right words. Two people can hear the same sentence and experience it very differently.
When conversations become difficult, emotions, assumptions and familiar reactions can quickly take over. Instead of trying to understand each other, we can find ourselves defending, blaming, withdrawing or trying to prove who is right.
Good communication creates space for both of you to express what is happening, understand each other’s experience and remain connected even when you see things differently.
The aim is not to make every conversation calm or agreeable. It is to help you communicate with care, remain emotionally present and keep finding your way back to understanding one another.
OUTCOMES
By working through Good Communicaton, you will learn to:
- Listen and communicate in ways that help you both feel heard, understood and taken seriously.
- Talk about difficult subjects constructively without emotions taking over the conversation.
- Understand each other’s experiences and perspectives rather than getting caught in who is right and who is wrong.
- Express your feelings, needs, disagreements and boundaries clearly and with care.
- Manage difficult conversations, repair communication when things go wrong and stay connected even when you disagree.
3.
Know Your Partner
Introduction
Knowing your partner is about much more than knowing facts about them. It means understanding something of their inner world – how they think and feel, what matters to them, what they need and how they experience your relationship.
It is easy, particularly in a long-term relationship, to believe that you already know your partner. But familiarity is not the same as understanding, and assumptions can gradually replace curiosity.
Your partner is also not standing still. Experiences, responsibilities, priorities, needs and hopes change throughout life, just as yours do.
Knowing your partner is never really finished. It is about remaining curious, continuing to let yourselves be known and getting to know the person beside you as both of you grow and change.
OUTCOMES
By working through Know Your Partner, you will learn to:
- Develop a deeper understanding of your partner - what matters to them, what they need and how they experience life and your relationship.
- Recognise how your partner responds when they feel stressed, hurt, misunderstood, supported or connected.
- Understand what your partner needs from you and how you can meet those needs within your relationship.
- Replace assumptions and mind-reading with curiosity about what is really happening for your partner.
- Keep getting to know each other as you both grow and change, while developing a shared vision for your relationship and life together.
4.
Understanding Your CORE Needs
Introduction
Our needs sit underneath much of what happens in our relationships. They influence what helps us feel close and secure, what we long for from our partner and why some situations affect us more deeply than others.
Some needs are easy to recognise. Others can be harder to see, and sometimes we only become aware of them when something leaves us feeling hurt, rejected, unimportant or disconnected.
This is why an apparently ordinary disagreement can sometimes carry so much emotion. Underneath it may be something much more important – a need to feel understood, valued, accepted, important, cared for or able to rely on the person we love.
When we understand the needs underneath our reactions, both our own behaviour and our partner’s can begin to make much more sense, helping to create greater safety, security and connection.
OUTCOMES
By working through Understanding Your Core Needs, you will learn to:
- Understand what you and your partner need to feel safe, valued, understood and connected.
- Recognise which core relational needs are particularly important to each of you.
- Understand your partner emotionally - what they need from you and how you can give it.
- Recognise when arguments or strong emotional reactions are connected to important needs that are not being met.
- Communicate your needs more clearly and respond to your partner’s needs without becoming defensive, dismissive or critical.
5.
Intimacy
Introduction
Intimacy is about feeling close to your partner while still being able to be yourself. It grows through emotional openness, trust, affection, attention, shared experiences and physical and sexual connection.
But intimacy rarely takes care of itself. Stress, tiredness, everyday responsibilities, unresolved hurt and resentment can gradually create distance, even when a couple remains close in practical ways.
Intimacy is also deeply personal. What creates closeness for one person may be different for another, and differences in emotional openness, affection, touch or sexual desire can easily be experienced as rejection or lack of interest.
Intimacy is not about achieving a perfect level of closeness. It is about creating and protecting the emotional, physical and sexual connection that allows both of you to feel close while still being yourselves.
OUTCOMES
By working through Intimacy, you will learn to:
- Understand emotional intimacy and the different ways closeness can be experienced in your relationship.
- Create the emotional safety that allows you both to be open, vulnerable and emotionally connected.
- Recognise and respond to the everyday moments that build closeness, affection and connection.
- Understand how unresolved hurt and resentment can affect warmth, trust, attraction and intimacy - and how to rebuild closeness.
- Understand and talk more openly about differences in affection, touch and sexual desire, and develop practical ways to protect intimacy in your relationship.
6.
RESOLVING DIFFERENCES & PROTECTING YOUR RELATIONSHIP
Introduction
Differences are part of every relationship. Two people will not always see things in the same way, want the same things or respond to situations in the same way. What matters is how you deal with those differences.
Difficulties become damaging when the focus shifts from understanding and resolving what is happening to defending positions, blaming, withdrawing, proving who is right or trying to win.
Protecting your relationship is therefore just as important as resolving individual difficulties. A strong relationship needs emotional safety, connection and mutual care, as well as the ability for both of you to have your own needs, feelings, differences and boundaries.
The aim is not to avoid differences. It is to work through them without losing each other, while continuing to protect and strengthen the relationship you are creating together.
OUTCOMES
- Resolve differences without turning them into battles over who is right, who is wrong, who wins or who loses.
- Manage strong emotions and stay connected while working through difficult conversations.
- Understand each other’s experience, take responsibility for your part and find solutions that take both partners’ needs into account.
- Create emotional safety so you can both speak honestly, express your needs, disagree and be yourselves.
- Recognise and change patterns that damage connection, trust, respect and intimacy, while continuing to invest in and protect your relationship.
IS THIS FOR YOU?
Better At Us is designed for couples who are committed to each other but may be struggling in one or more areas of their relationship. You may want to work through particular difficulties, communicate more effectively, understand each other more deeply, or find your way back to feeling closer and more connected.
£395 / £495
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