THE FRAMEWORK
What you can expect
Better At Us is built around six areas that together help you understand yourself, your partner and the relationship you create between you.
Each area focuses on a different part of a healthy relationship, from understanding your own emotional reactions and communicating more effectively, to recognising each other’s needs, building greater intimacy and working through difficulties together.
The six areas are closely connected, but there is no fixed order in which you need to work through them. You can explore the parts that feel most relevant to your relationship now and return to others as and when you need them.
The aim is not to learn a set of rules for how a relationship should work. It is to develop greater understanding, practical skills and healthier ways of responding to each other that gradually become part of how you relate every day.
THE DETAIL
Six areas of focus.
1.
Understand Yourself
Introduction
How we respond to our partner is not only about what is happening in the moment. We all bring our own history, learned behaviours, sensitivities and ways of protecting ourselves into our relationships.
Sometimes a relatively small comment, look or disagreement can trigger a reaction that feels much bigger. We may become defensive, critical, withdrawn, anxious or eager to keep the peace before we have had time to think about what is actually happening.
In this part of Better at Us, you will be introduced to the Parent, Adult and Child (PAC) model as a practical way of understanding these reactions. You will learn to notice different ways of thinking, feeling and responding, recognise some of the feelings and sensitivities underneath your reactions, and understand familiar Driver Behaviours that can appear when you are under pressure.
The aim is not to label yourself or your partner, or spend a lot of time analysing the past. It is to understand yourself well enough to have more choice about how you respond in your relationship now.
OUTCOMES
- Recognise your emotional reactions and triggers
- Understand Parent, Adult and Child ways of responding
- Notice how your responses and your partner’s responses can affect each other
- Understand some of the feelings that can sit underneath defensiveness
- Recognise familiar Driver Behaviours that may appear under pressure
- Identify your own patterns through individual reflection
- Use exercises and conversations to understand each other better
- Create more space between what happens and how you respond
2.
Communicate Better
Introduction
Communication problems are rarely just about finding the right words. Two people can hear the same sentence and experience it very differently. What matters is not only what your partner says, but what it means to them — and whether you can stay present long enough to understand that meaning.
In this part of Better at Us, you will learn a more deliberate way of talking and listening. You will explore how feelings can help you recognise what matters and what you need, how familiar reactions can pull a conversation off course, and how to stay connected when something is uncomfortable or you disagree.
You will learn practical skills for listening, checking that you have understood, showing your partner that their experience matters, and responding with empathy. You will also learn how to recognise blame, rescuing and helplessness, address the effect you have on one another, and express anger without turning it into harmful behaviour.
The aim is not to make every conversation calm, easy or agreeable. It is to help you remain thoughtful, emotionally present and cooperative when a conversation matters.
OUTCOMES
- Understand what your partner means, not only the words they use
- Recognise the needs and feelings underneath what is being said
- Listen and check that you have understood
- Show your partner that their experience matters, even when you see things differently
- Stay with uncomfortable feelings without immediately fixing, withdrawing or attacking
- Stay connected when you disagree
- Express anger safely
- Respond with empathy without having to agree
3.
Know Your Partner
Introduction
Knowing your partner takes more than knowing their habits, preferences or history. It means continuing to understand what matters to them, what affects them, what helps them feel loved and supported, and what they need from you as life changes.
This section brings together the work you have already done. Understanding yourself helps you recognise what belongs to you and what belongs to your partner. Good communication helps you listen with empathy and understand their experience rather than assuming you already know.
Your partner is the expert on their own experience. Sometimes you will know what they need; sometimes you will need to ask. They are also more likely to share vulnerable parts of themselves when they know those feelings will be taken seriously rather than judged, corrected or used against them.
This section also asks an important question: not only ‘Who is my partner?’ but ‘Who am I choosing to be in this relationship?’ Commitment is not only about staying together. It is also about the kind of partner you choose to be.
OUTCOMES
- Separate your own reactions and assumptions from your partner’s experience
- Understand more about what shapes your partner’s feelings, needs and responses
- Ask rather than assume when you do not know
- Learn what love, safety and support mean to your partner
- Recognise where your partner may feel particularly vulnerable
- Care about your partner’s feelings without taking responsibility for fixing them
- Create a safer relationship for honesty and openness
- Think about the kind of partner you are choosing to be
- Make meaningful commitments about how you want to be in the relationship
4.
Understanding Your CORE Needs
Introduction
We all have important emotional and relationship needs that help us feel safe, valued, understood and connected. These are normal needs that remain with us throughout life — not signs that something is wrong with us.
Early experiences can affect how sensitive we are to particular needs. If an important need was absent or inconsistent, we may react strongly when the same need is not met in our relationship now — sometimes before we understand what has been touched.
In this part of Better at Us, you will learn about eight core relational needs, recognise what can happen when important needs are not met, and identify what may be sitting underneath everyday arguments or unexpectedly strong reactions. You will also learn how to talk about your needs clearly and understand the needs that matter most to your partner.
OUTCOMES
- Understand the eight core relational needs: Safety, Empathy, Acceptance by a Stable, Dependable and Protective Other, Validation, Valuing Differences, Impact on the Other, Initiation, and Expressing Love, Care and Affection
- Identify which needs are particularly important or sensitive for you
- Understand how earlier experiences can influence the way you experience these needs today
- Recognise what can happen when important needs are not met
- Look underneath everyday disagreements to understand what may really be missing
- Understand why some present-day situations can trigger surprisingly strong reactions
- Separate the underlying need from the particular way you would like it to be met
- Communicate your needs clearly without turning them into demands
- Understand and respond to the needs that matter most to your partner
- Build greater safety, security and connection through more consistent responses to each other’s needs
5.
Creating Intimacy
Introduction
Intimacy is more than being close, spending time together or talking about important things. It grows when we allow our partner to know more of who we are inside — what we feel, hope for, worry about, need, enjoy and experience in the relationship.
Most intimacy is not created through one big vulnerable conversation. It is built in small, everyday moments: telling your partner that you missed them, admitting that something affected you, sharing a worry, asking for affection, expressing appreciation, or saying what is happening inside you right now.
In this part of Better at Us, you will learn how safety and trust make intimacy possible, how to share more of yourself without losing your individuality, and how to respond when your partner takes the risk of showing you more of themselves. The aim is not to force vulnerability, but to create a relationship in which both of you can feel increasingly safe to be known.
OUTCOMES
- Understand what emotional intimacy is - and what it is not
- Recognise the small, everyday moments that build closeness
- Become more able to share your feelings, needs, hopes and vulnerabilities
- Understand what helps openness and vulnerability feel safer
- Respond with curiosity and care when your partner shares something personal
- Recognise responses that can make a partner stop opening up
- Build trust through repeated experiences of safety, honesty and putting things right
- Stay connected while allowing each other to remain different
- Develop simple habits that create more emotional intimacy in everyday life
6.
RESOLVING DIFFERENCES & PROTECTING YOUR RELATIONSHIP
Introduction
Differences are inevitable in a close relationship. You will not always want the same thing, see a situation in the same way or agree about what should happen next. The challenge is not to remove difference, but to deal with it without turning your partner into the problem.
In this final part of Better at Us, you will bring together the skills from the earlier sections and use them when there is something real to resolve. You will learn how to stay curious rather than critical, understand what really matters to each of you underneath the disagreement, and work towards solutions in which both people count.
You will also look beyond individual disagreements to the longer life of your relationship: how to manage change, put things right after conflict, protect intimacy and friendship, notice when you are becoming distant, and keep investing in the relationship you are creating together.
OUTCOMES
- Stay connected even when you disagree
- Confront the issue rather than each other
- Become curious rather than critical or judgemental
- Hold different views and remain close
- Recognise when you have moved from ‘us against the problem’ to ‘me against you’
- Take responsibility for how you feel and respond, while recognising the effect you have on each other
- Understand what really matters to each of you underneath a disagreement
- Work towards win-win solutions in which both people’s needs and concerns matter
- Know what to do when you cannot find a solution straight away
- Recognise when a difference needs resolving and when it needs accepting
- Put things right after conflict rather than allowing hurt and resentment to build
- Manage change and important transitions together
- Protect friendship, affection, intimacy and a sense of ‘us’ through the years
- Notice when you are becoming distant and take steps to reconnect
- Keep investing in the parts of your relationship you want to protect
IS THIS FOR YOU?
£395
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