MEET PAUL

Where it all began.

I think one of the things that helps me be good at this is that I don’t like small talk, which drives my friends crazy. They know that when we meet up, as they put it, “we’re all going to get therapy with a cup of coffee.”

It’s not exactly true, but my work has been a passion ever since I had counselling. I never intended to become a psychotherapist, but the experience was so life-changing that I turned my life upside down and changed career.

MY BACKGROUND

Learning through my own experience.

Growing up in a family that didn’t show me what a healthy relationship looked like, I fumbled my way through – making every mistake in the book, and probably inventing a few.

Counselling was what finally taught me what my own relationship needed from me, and how to give it. It also shaped the way I came to think about relationship work: understanding matters, but so does learning what to do differently.

MY EXPERIENCE

What I've learned from working with couples.

Over the past 15 years, I’ve worked with hundreds of couples. Some have come to me with relationships in considerable difficulty, but I’ve also met many couples who fundamentally have a good relationship.

They love each other and want to stay together. There isn’t necessarily a major problem to fix. What they often haven’t been given is the knowledge and skills to understand what happens between them when things become difficult.

Nobody has necessarily taught them how to have a difficult conversation without it becoming an argument, how to understand what sits underneath their partner’s reaction, how to respond when their partner is emotional, how to talk about their own feelings, how to maintain intimacy, or how to deal with differences without gradually creating distance between them.

When couples begin to understand these things and have practical ways of responding differently, relationships can change considerably.

MY INSPIRATON

Why I created Better At Us.

I created Better At Us because I came to realise that not every couple who would benefit from professional relationship help needs expensive weekly face-to-face therapy.

I’ve met many couples who don’t need an ongoing therapeutic relationship. What they need is some professional guidance, a better understanding of what is happening between them and practical ways of doing things differently.

For other couples, regular therapy simply isn’t practical. Life is busy. They may be working long hours, have children without readily available childcare, or find it difficult to commit to the same appointment every week. And the cost of ongoing private couples therapy can put this kind of help beyond the reach of many people.

I wanted to find another way.

Better At Us grew out of the work I was already doing with couples. I brought together the relationship knowledge, explanations, practical skills and exercises I use in my face-to-face work and developed them into a framework couples could use themselves at home.

But I didn’t want to create an online course and simply leave people to get on with it. Relationships are personal and every couple is different. That’s why Better At Us also includes time with me. I can understand something about your particular relationship, help you decide how best to use the framework and be available when some additional guidance would be useful.

For me, Better At Us is about making good-quality relationship help more accessible, more flexible and more affordable, without losing the value of having an experienced professional involved.

MY APPROACH

My approach to relationships.

I’m committed to work that delivers real change. For me, that means doing more than simply solving the problem immediately in front of you.

If you keep arguing about the same things, finding a solution to the latest argument doesn’t necessarily change what will happen next time.

I want couples to understand what is happening between them: what each person is feeling, what they need, the patterns they fall into and why particular situations affect them as they do.

Alongside that understanding, couples need practical relationship skills – how to listen, communicate, respond to emotion, manage differences, create intimacy and repair things when they go wrong.

Better At Us brings those two things together: understanding and practical change.

MY PROMISE

What you can expect from me.

Although Better At Us is designed for you to work through yourselves, I won’t simply give you the materials and disappear.

I’ll personally read both of your questionnaires before we meet. I’ll listen to what you want from Better At Us and help you think about where to begin. If there is something I think you should pay particular attention to, I’ll tell you.

I’ll answer your questions, help you make sense of anything you’re unsure about and give you my thoughts about how you can get the most from the framework.

And once you’ve started, you have further time with me available if you get stuck or need some additional guidance.

You are doing the work yourselves, but you are not entirely on your own.

MY CERTIFICATIONS

Professional Background

Main Qualifications

Specialist Areas

Relationship Dynamics & Communication
Repeating Patterns in Relationships
Attachment Styles & Insecurity
Personality & Relational Development
Conflict Resolution & Healthy Boundaries
Emotional Regulation & Self-Awareness
Building Trust & Emotional Intimacy
Anxiety & Anger in Relationships
Interdependence & Healthy Detachment
Trauma & PTSD in Relationships
Neurodiversity in Relationships

Therapeutic Approaches

Person-Centred Therapy
Transactional Analysis
Gestalt Therapy
Psychodynamic Therapy
Internal Family Systems (IFS)
Cognitive Therapies (CBT-informed)
Systemic Therapies
Trauma-informed Therapy
Relational Therapy

IN SUMMARY

After all these years.

Many years and hundreds of couples later, I still get the same satisfaction from seeing something finally make sense to two people and watching what once felt impossible begin to change.

I’ve never lost sight of how important our relationships are, or of the responsibility that comes with somebody trusting me with theirs.

Better At Us is another way for me to share what I’ve learned and help more couples build relationships that don’t just survive, but continue to work well for both of them.